Field of Glory Wargaming at The International Wargame Federation Euro Championshships - Rome 2009

After a surprisingly poor meal back at the venue, and some even more surprisingly bizzarre cocktails at the ice cream parlour near our B&B we of course enjoyed an early night....

Brian's cocktail was suitably manly....

Phil's was more decidedly metrosexual 

As for Dave's choice....

But all contained rather shocking amounts of neat spirits...

...leading nicely to this unfortunate incident with one of the more mature waitresses later that evening...

Possibly finishing off the night with a pint of kaputz-iner beer was a bad idea?

At least we didn't take "Da Phils Roman Moped Taxi Service" ...

...and neither did we add the letter "f" to this but to make the tour more appealing. 

"Romanorum imbibo ultum vinum"

The venue at night.... 

The next morning was of course a struggle. Third day.... ouch! 

It was also - of course - very very hot. 

The Sunday Morning game saw me with the worst of all possible draws. A Geordie, and a cheating light horse army to boot! They were Dishonest Skythianswho's list is available here 

Pictures of Skythians from my Ancients Photo Directory

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Many of the Skythians came to the catwalk dressed in fetching pink trousers and bright yellow blouson shirts daringly slashed open to the navel presumably to show off their manly 15mm chests. Or possibly it was a response to their Generals Newcastle roots and a homage to the new 2009-10 Fizzy Pop league 2nd team shirt fiasco ? 

Yet again woodland terrain had failed to do too much to help, with no pieces in the middle of the park at all. 

The Skythians knightly cavalry also flounced forward in a bravura display of millinery, only pausing to catch admiring glances from Roman light horse papparazzi sent to catch a quick snapshot of the extravagantly attired horsemen before they hit the end of the catwalk.

In the middle the Skythians had come so close to the Roman line that the soldiers in red could see their opponents nail varnish (and several sported those chavvy things where they had got small Svwaroski crystals embedded in their nails as well).

Risking everything - and with both sides having ample reserves nearby - the first clash came between the pastel blue of the Romans and the rather OTT and so last-season greens, blues and yellows of the Skythian horse.

This almost-equal exchange soon ended in a bad day for fashion, and the total elimination of the well dressed Romans. However, sick of the sight of such badly coordinated outfits, the rest of the Roman line had shoo-ed away the Skythian archers, leaving the hat-tastic lancers to come and try and do their worst.  

Despite having been fairly sure everything was set up right, the skythians - with a snake-like sashay of their hips, and using all of their end of the catwalk (and back seat of the Ford Cortina no doubt) experience - swept round at intricate angles just at the point of charging and managed somehow to clip practically every Roman unit within a 3 mile radius in the same charge. 

This instantly resulted in a flurry of combat, in which 3 Roman units were hacked to pieces in short order - but not quickly enough for the catwalk queens of the Skythian army to avoid taking one from behind (as if they'd want to anyway...?) from a unit of Auxilia! 

Elsewhere, the Skythians were generally retreating from a load of charges from things they couldn't stand up to, either in fighting terms or in terms of their remorselessly efficient co-ordination of shoes, belts and other accessories (Romans - all brown leather). So, having turned up at the party in a bo-ho style, and having found out that the uniform look was "in" this season, the Scythes were reduced to trying to grab attention by demonstrating just how obscenely broken the evade rules are in FoG, as a unit of cavalry (not even light horse) are here shown half way through a successful evade move after being charged from 2 directions by 2 units both starting within an inch !!

Back on the main runway, the fashion tide was turning against the use of decorative Millinery in warfare at a rate of knots, as the befuddled Scythe cavalry found themselves unable to break off from anyone as they stumbled around in their unwisely chosen high heels like a cloud of drug addled models as the Romans simply chopped them up. 

As the spectacular hats of the Scythe cavalry started to droop, yet more colour-coordinated Romans attempted to sneak past them on the edge of a wood. But realizing that this counts for nothing, the cheating dogs whipped the Romans relentlessly .. 

As the Romans piled forwards, soon the Scythes were reduced to their last unit of Middle or Late Assyrian Cavalry to try and stem the tide.... 

By now things were getting rather spread out as lone units of Scythian light horse retreated into the shadows in a bid to try and tone down their improper use of colour and style, and the Romans continued to parade up and down efficiently in their smart new uniforms. 

And as this was happening, an irritating sideshow developed off the main drag, as 2 units of rubbish light infantry refused to stand still and be caught by lots more Roman (figures).

The legions tried gamely to pressurize the exuberant Scythes, but each time they managed to get close, the horsemen would whip ff back behind the scenery, and emerge elsewhere in another seemingly randomly put together collection of clothing. 

Taking full advantage of skirmishers ability to turn and move, the Scythes were even occasionally able to turn the tables on the advancing legions and auxilia - who fortunately were wearing the latest must-have accessory - an "Umbrella of Inspiring Invincibility", available for 80 points from all good CinC's.

Occasionally however it did prove possible to catch one or two of the blighters.... 

The legions and auxilia were still mopping up spilt lancers....

With both sides having had their handbags stolen by the other, and with the Romans about ready to storm off the table in a huff, the game finally ended. a 10-10 draw, with the Scythes larger army having taken more units lost or fled as casualties. 

Might as well not have bothered! 

The Scythian Manager's Post Match Summary 

"How do you defend yourself against a man with a Dildo? 

How do you defend yourself against a man with two dildos? 

Look at the evil people in the world, Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Stalin what do they all have in common? Moustaches!"

 Caesars Post Match Summary 

As an Italian, and therefore genetically predisposed to being a giant in the world of Fashion, I Caesar, I am delighted with the way my team of models, sorry, troops, absolutely dominated the catwalk today, pushing all those garishly dressed rabble off into the sidelines and out of the light. 

In a battle such as this it is important to cut your cloth according to the length you need, and attempt to stitch up the opposition. We did both of these with style and panache, and it was only the ridiculous rules about enemy fleeing off table, and the obscene maneuverability of light horse that prevented us taking a clean sweep of all the available prizes in this particular week of fashionable victory. 

Hannibal's Post Match Analysis

I think all this fashion stuff has gone far enough. After all, a short pleated skirt and a manly pair of hairy legs did OK for me (especially when on a slave boy sent to my tent after dark... but I digress..).

This game you were admittedly up against it, because the rules have been written to allow such armies as your opponent fielded to be essentially unbeatable, which is of course a problem if you are trying to beat them.

However if you'd managed to micro-measure the angles and distances of your troops just before the Skythian lancers had charged in you would have won far more easily, and comprehensively. The basic problem is that occasionally you forget you are playing a game, and start treating your troops like, well, real troops on a real battlefield - which totally undermines the strengths of the excessive maneuverability they enjoy in FoG. Your opponent didn't make these mistakes, and worked all the angles, measured all the cheesy arcs of charge, and managed to know the evade rules so well that it was practically impossible for you to catch enough of his army to win.

However, you did record a moral victory. And even I concede that a real victory against such a heinous force of evil under FoG is impossible, so I suppose you did OK. 

Lets see how the last game goes 

 

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