The Life of Brian The Wargamer

Scene 9

The commandos

FRANCIS:

We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Phils's wife's Sue’s bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Phil that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

COMMANDO XERXES:

What exactly are the demands?

REG:

We're giving Phil two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the DBx Rulesets hegemony over the International Wargames Federations Competition Circuit, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.

MATTHIAS:

Cut her head off?

FRANCIS:

Cut all her bits off. Send 'em back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.

REG:

And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

COMMANDOS:

No blackmail!

REG:

Wargames Research Group have bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.

LORETTA:

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG:

Yeah.

LORETTA:

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG:

Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have their DBx based rulesets ever given us in return?!

XERXES:

Army Lists?

REG:

What?

XERXES:

Army Lists. Properly researched lists for many hundreds of previously obscure armies

REG:

Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.

COMMANDO #3:

And The 40mm wide Element.

LORETTA:

Oh, yeah, The 40mm wide Element, Reg. Remember what a hassle it was with different basing for all sorts of sets or rules?

REG:

Yeah. All right. I'll grant you Army Lists and The 40mm wide Element are two things that the DBx based rulesets have done.

MATTHIAS:

And troops types based on relative effectiveness, not weaponry?

REG:

Well, yeah. Obviously the concept of troop types based on relative effectiveness not weaponry. I mean, troops classifications based on relative effectiveness, not weaponry goes without saying, don't it How ridiculous now would it be to write a set of rules where weaponry rather than relative effectiveness against historical opponents was part of the system anyway? But apart from The Element, Army Lists, and troop classifications based on relative effectiveness not weaponry --

COMMANDO:

No more tedious morale tests.

XERXES:

Rules that don’t need a QR sheet to play them.

COMMANDOS:

Huh? Heh? Huh...

COMMANDO #2:

The end of single figure casualty removal?

COMMANDOS:

Ohh...

REG:

Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

COMMANDO #1:

And the same rules played all over the world.

COMMANDOS:

Oh, yes. Yeah...

FRANCIS:

Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the same rules were not played all over the world. Huh.

LORETTA:

And it's now perfectly reasonable to publish a set of rules that contain command and control mechanics that mean your troops don’t do exactly what you want all the time now, Reg.

FRANCIS:

Yeah, the introduction of DBx's "pip dice" rules certainly killed off the "Wargamer as Omniscient God" syndrome. Let's face it, those pip dice were the only mechanism that could kill off a cliché like that.

COMMANDOS:

Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

REG:

All right, but apart from the Army Lists, the 40mm Element, troops types based on relative effectiveness, not weaponry, dice based command and control, the same rules played all over the world, no more tedious morale tests, the QR sheet, and the end of single figure casualty removal, what have the DBx rulesets ever done for us?

XERXES:

Given us an excuse to buy more figures.

REG:

Oh. More Figures? Shut up!

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